


The Office Policy Conundrum

by sirenofodysseus



Category: The Mentalist
Genre: AU, F/M, Multi, OT4, Paint it Red October 2013 Monthly Challenge, Please Forgive me, Tag to 6x03, birthday gift, total crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-19
Updated: 2013-10-19
Packaged: 2017-12-29 21:12:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1010156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirenofodysseus/pseuds/sirenofodysseus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU crack!tag to 6x03. Four of the five Serious Crimes Unit agents had somehow managed to become romantically linked to one another, without Lisbon’s knowledge or consent.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Office Policy Conundrum

**Author's Note:**

  * For [brokenhighways](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenhighways/gifts).



> I…I don’t even know where this piece came from; I just really felt as if I had to write it, especially as it serves as an entry for Paint it Red’s October 2013 challenge (“you never know”) and as a birthday gift for the lovely brokenhighways. 
> 
> Disclaimer: This is why The Mentalist isn't mine...

It all started when Director Gale Bertram, resident Red John suspect, had the brilliant idea to demolish the policies on relationships within the CBI. The Human Resources department had warned him against making the changes, but because he was the _boss_ and he wanted to incite some morale into his employees, he sent out the memo and waited.

 

That memo, which should have caused certain individuals to cheer, only ended up causing more problems than it was worth. 

* * *

 

Over a session of three coffees and a tea, three agents and a consultant discussed the latest policy change away from the safety of Senior Agent Teresa Lisbon’s office. While she had probably seen the email and rolled her eyes at the wording of Gale Bertram’s, the four of them needed to have their own little discussion of what this policy change meant toward their own hidden relationship. For four of the five Serious Crimes Unit agents had somehow managed to become romantically linked with one another, without Lisbon’s knowledge or consent.

 

Grace Van Pelt sipped at her coffee, as she tried to ignore the feel of Patrick Jane’s hand on her thigh. “So, when do we tell Lisbon?” Cho, Rigsby and Jane looked at each other and then her; as if to ask, why in the world would they even do that? “You know she’s going to come out of her office, find us and make some vague comment about how CBI agents can now date…” She watched Rigsby nod and sip at his coffee as well.

 

            “I wouldn’t worry about Lisbon’s reaction, Grace,” Jane responded, rubbing circles into her thigh. Grace smiled in his direction. “She’ll probably think that you and Wayne will jump for joy, considering the show you two have put on for the past five years.”

 

            “Show?” Wayne Rigsby questioned, scowling. “You honestly don’t know me, do you?” He looked at Grace. “I love her.” This set Jane’s eyes a-rolling.

 

            “That’s not what you said last night,” Cho idly commented, sipping at his coffee also. Jane snorted and Rigsby flushed. “Actually, you said…” Rigsby hurried to silence Cho by silencing him with a single hand motion below the table, which had Grace and Jane chuckling.

 

            “If you two need a room…” Jane started with a sly smile on his face. “I know the third floor janitor’s closet is unoccupied…”

 

            “We all know that janitor’s closet isn’t big enough to fit four,” Grace reminded him and he chuckled. “We tried that once and I had a stick-shaped bruise on my hip for almost two weeks…”

 

            “I said I was sorry!” Rigsby exclaimed. Jane and Grace burst out laughing, while Cho smiled slightly. Rigsby frowned. “I was only trying to do my best…!”

 

            “By slamming her into a broomstick?” Jane asked, innocently. Rigsby glared in his direction, clearly not amused by Jane’s insult. “I thought we had ruled out the possibility of roleplaying in this relationship.” It was Grace’s turn to snort. “Anyway, back to the topic at hand; Lisbon.”

 

            “I say we tell her,” Rigsby replied. “She’ll just find out eventually and if we tell her, we won’t need to make up any more lame excuses on where we all go.” Rigsby had a valid point. In the past year of their relationship, the four of them had manipulated the truth to Lisbon’s question of “where were you?” so much that it hadn’t surprised any of them when she had just accepted the answer of “changing a light bulb” nearly four weeks ago.

 

            “You just want us to get off on the subject of the broomstick.”

 

            “Nice wording there, Cho,” Jane complimented, cuffing Cho’s leg. Cho nodded in Jane’s direction, sliding his foot against Jane’s ankle. “Although, I agree with the idea of telling her; how do you think she would truly react, hm?”

 

Jane also had a point. Policy change or not, Lisbon was _still_ Lisbon; she believed in keeping personal lives away from the workplace and the four of them had been doing just the opposite for the past year.

 

Rigsby flinched. “She’d kill us all.”

 

            “Lisbon’s a mature woman, Wayne,” Grace replied, smiling.

 

            “Yeah,” Cho agreed. “You never know, she might surprise you.”

 

Grace continued. “She’ll understand that these things do happen.”

 

            “In multiple places too,” Jane gave with a smirk. “The janitor’s closet, my attic, the SUV…” Rigsby threw his hand over Jane’s mouth, to which the consultant playfully nipped at his palm to have his mouth released. “…the interrogation room, the bullpen, and that one night in the elevator…”

 

            “I thought we’d never discuss that night again,” Cho interrupted and Jane glanced at Cho, an innocent expression across his features.

 

            “If you had truly wanted to rid your tie of that stain, you only needed to listen to me,” Jane answered, stirring his tea. “If you bring your tie when you come over tonight, I’ll soak the stain away and give you something else to focus on.” Jane’s hands reached across the table to loosen Cho’s tie. “It looks like you’re a little hot under the collar,” his hands then slipped under the table, “and a little occupied downstairs. I’m still offering the janitor’s closet, as I know Joey’s out to lunch for another hour…”

 

            “We’re not doing anything until we tell Lisbon,” Grace interrupted, firmly. “As her agents, I think she deserves to know that we’ve been fucking like horny rabbits.” Everyone stared at her, before Rigsby’s mouth captured hers in a passionate lip lock, which lasted until Jane stood from the table and returned with a squirt bottle.

 

            “Don’t make me use this,” Jane threatened with his finger on the trigger of the completely full water bottle. Grace pulled away from Rigsby’s caress to stare at him, as if she were almost daring him to squeeze the trigger.

 

            “Get over yourself, _Patrick_ ,” Grace retorted. “Jealousy doesn’t suit you.”

 

            “I’ll pull the trigger, trust me.”

 

            “And I’ll _never_ pull yours again,” Grace replied, sweetly. Jane quickly tossed the squirt bottle behind him, only hearing Ron’s exclamation with a lack of remorse. His sex life, after all, was more important than Ron’s nearly losing an eye due to a flying squirt bottle. “Now, where were we?”

 

            “You were being extremely tempting,” Rigsby muttered and Grace blushed. “Speak dirty again…”

 

            “Maybe later, Wayne,” Grace replied, waving him away. “So, who is going to tell her?” Jane, Rigsby and Cho looked at each other again, before all three of them moved away from the table.

 

Jane immediately crossed his arms against his chest. “I’ve unearthed enough relationships to Lisbon, thank you very much. I’m not about to tell her that we’ve all been seeing each other behind her back.”

 

Cho shook his head. “I’ve got a dentist appointment.”

 

Rigsby’s expression reminded everyone of a deer in the headlights look, causing several chuckles to fill the room. “I’m sorry, Grace; I just _can’t_. Discussing our sex life with Lisbon just seems wrong, Grace.”

 

            “Discussing most things with Lisbon seems wrong,” Jane pointed out. “I tried to have a conversation with her the other day about alternate uses for handcuffs…”

 

The three groaned.

 

            “Jane!” Grace exclaimed.

 

            “Why would you do that?” Rigsby cried.

 

Cho merely hit his shoulder.

 

            “I only said that she could enrich her life by bringing the cuffs into her bedroom and hanging them as a decoration!” Jane defended. “I never told her to use the handcuffs on anyone else for sexual acts, as I felt the topic of kinkiness in the workplace was wrong.”

 

            “That hasn’t stopped you from discussing other kinks in the workplace before, Jane,” Rigsby reminded him.

 

            “I’m dating you three,” Jane defended. “Lisbon’s…Lisbon. Discussing what _we_ do…”

 

The sound of Lisbon’s throat clearing had the four of them looking in the direction of the hallway, where Lisbon stood with her arms crossed against her chest. “Discussing what, Jane?” Lisbon didn’t look particularly amused, and he only hoped that she hadn’t heard his Lisbon’s…Lisbon comment. “I wasn’t aware we were having a roundtable discussion.”

 

            “We all wanted something to drink,” Jane replied, smiling. “The bullpen was getting a little stuffy, so we convened in here to discuss our latest case.”

 

            “And?” Lisbon asked, pulling a seat up to the table. Rigsby, Cho, Jane and Grace shared a long glance. “Did you come up with any insights into Jason Anderson’s death?”

 

Jane looked at Lisbon. “Jason’s dead.”

 

Lisbon raised her eyebrows and scowled. “You all practically just solved the case, thanks for that tidbit.”

 

            “Anytime, Lisbon!” Jane answered, still smiling. “Although, you might want to look into the alibi of his girlfriend. I believe she’s compensating for something.” The three groaned again and Jane threw his hands up into the air. “She obviously can’t be _that_ good in bed, especially if she’s got the grace of a three-toed sloth.” Lisbon eyed the four of them. “I mean, do you know how three-toed sloths copulate…it’s actually quite…”

 

            “We’re all together!” Rigsby blurted out. Lisbon glanced to him. “We’re all engaged in a sexual relationship! Just _please_ shut him up about three-toed sloths having sex!” Jane snorted. “I don’t want to have any dreams about it! Just stop him, for the sake of god!”

 

Cho eyed Jane. “I thought they were sexual creatures.”

 

            “They are, although I’m sure it takes ages for the actual act to begin. The foreplay must be killer…” Jane replied. “It’s a good thing we aren’t sloths, hm? Otherwise, we’d be spending _a lot_ more time in the elevator…”

 

Lisbon blinked, before she turned on her heels and headed straight toward her office.

 

            “Nice going there, Wayne,” Grace scowled. “You just scared our boss.”

 

            “ _I_ scared her?” Rigsby exclaimed. “Jane just finished discussing sex between sloths and the activities we did in the elevator! Why aren’t you berating him?”

 

            “Because Jane’s Jane,” Cho answered. “And he didn’t blurt out private information without a warning first.”  Everyone stared at Rigsby.

 

            “Oh god,” Rigsby said slowly. “I just told _Lisbon_ that we’re together.”

 

            “I suppose it’s a plus that we’re all still alive,” Jane optimistically gave, before he thoughtfully frowned. “Although, I wouldn’t actually suggest drinking coffee or tea lying around in the kitchenette anymore. Lisbon knows her poisons.”

 

            “And _that’s_ supposed to make us feel any better?” Rigsby asked.

 

Jane nodded. “I thought it was an uplifting message.” He glanced at them all again. “So, now that Lisbon knows…” He pulled the janitor’s keys from his suit jacket and jingled them around, grinning. “I think we could still manage to fit a fifteen minute session into…”

 

Jane suddenly found the contents within a cup of tea and three coffees all over him. “I’ll take that as a no then.”

 

            “You have a hand,” Grace replied, scowling. “Use it.”

* * *

             “…I’m not quite sure how to respond to their…confession, Ray,” Lisbon said, within the comforts of her locked office cubical. “I’ve known about their relationship for some time, of course, but I just never thought they’d ever tell me.”

 

Ray Haffner’s response made her chuckle. “Just tell them you’re fucking a serial killer. I’ve found that statements like _that_ usually make for far more interesting confessions than _boss, we’ve all been engaged in a polygamous relationship for the past year_.”

 

            “Fair enough,” Lisbon responded, laughing, before she frowned again. “I obviously can’t look past this…”

 

            “I suppose not,” Ray gave. “However, you’ll eventually have to face them again. I’m surprised they aren’t planning some giant way to apologize to you, especially for how they dropped the confession.”

 

            “Personally, I’m not coming out of my office until I’m certain they’ve all left for the day.” The idea of it was one thing, but the confirmation of it was a completely different subject matter altogether. “I almost feel like I should write Bertram a letter, telling him how he’s going to be paying for my vacation time _and_ subsequent therapy.”

 

            “I’ll help you forget about it tonight, Teresa,” Ray replied and Lisbon smiled. “We’ll be so busy doing other things; you won’t even have time to think about what they’re doing in any elevator.”


End file.
